Dangerous Expectations of Pregnancy & Drug Use

A few weeks ago, I saw the same tumblr post brought up at least twice on twitter in a screenshot that was derided as “tumblr SJWs have gone too far/ these social justice warriors are off the deep end.” In a nutshell – calling the idea stupid, as if it was written by someone with no common sense.

Here is the screenshot:

I read this and immediately realized that the post, and not the people ridiculing it on a different social media platform, was correct. Sure, the original poster (OP) is using tumblr-specific language, which doesn’t translate very well into non-tumblr forms. And the OP is generalizing a lot of things and using “disabilities” as a catch-all term to include mental illnesses, addiction, and birth defects – which in a general sense might be true, but in my opinion is still too much generalization.

Regardless – OP makes a good point! It is incredibly dangerous to insist that all pregnant people must immediately stop drinking or taking whatever drugs they’re on for a number of reasons.

1. If a pregnant person is dependent on drugs or alcohol and stops cold turkey, the fetus can go into shock and the person can miscarry.
2. Persons who are addicted to drugs and alcohol are just that – addicted. Expecting anyone to simply not do drugs anymore is ableist, and particularly cruel to expect that of someone also dealing with normal stresses of a pregnancy. They need help, not judgement.
3. The data available on babies born with drugs in their system (neonatal abstinence syndrome) is not widely researched, using bias test groups, and there haven’t even been that many studies done overall.
4. The process of getting clean while pregnant is an expensive one, and treatment centers with limited space is the norm.

 

The other dangerous part of this line of thinking “don’t do drugs/drink while pregnant” is that it bleeds into criminalizing people more harshly because they’re pregnant. The idea that pregnant people are not allowed to have mental issues that require medication, suicidal thoughts or tendencies, substance abuse problems, or anything less than a perfect life is a dangerous one that leads to criminalizing people for so-called child abuse or fetal neglect while they’re pregnant. It’s something that’s happening now, as children born with drugs in their system are taken into custody, and their parent arrested.

I could paint you a picture of the many ways this impacts poor working people and their families, but I don’t need to – other accomplished journalists have already done that.

This is an article published in December of 2014, and was the first I read on the subject.

Here is another article that was published in November of 2015 on the same issue.

 

I’m not saying that anyone should do drugs while they’re pregnant (unless it’s medication for mental illness in which case, yes, you really should continue taking those, just communicate with your OB and therapist about it), but I’m not going to get mad at anyone who does. Life is hard. Addiction is hard. Pregnancy is difficult in even the best circumstances.

My point is that the focus should be on supporting pregnant people in whatever decisions they make. Don’t be condescending. Have compassion.

The Little Mermaid & Teen Choice

In the course of watching small children, you watch a lot of children’s movies. Right now it’s a lot of watching Big Hero 6 and Frozen (and my nephew’s favorite: Despicable Me). Recently, however, I was able to convince them to watch The Little Mermaid. As a movie I grew up with, my feelings on Ariel and her choices have changed drastically over the years. From admiration, to judgment, and back to respect and love.

There’s a weird trend where, once you’re done being a teenage girl and transition into a college-aged young adult, you look back on your teenage years with embarrassment and try to rise above, making more informed decisions. The Little Mermaid plays into this because when these girls (myself included) watch it they latch onto the fact Ariel is 16. She falls in love with a human she just met, and runs away to try and be with him. There’s even a Tumblr text post floating around somewhere that says “Daddy I love him!” “Bitch you don’t even know him!” Then a separate user added on, “You know you’re an adult when you agree with the adults in a Disney movie!”

I’ve reblogged the post more than once, but on my most recent viewing of the movie, I realized there’s nothing wrong with Ariel’s actions. A sixteen year old’s desires and interests are just as valid as anyone else’s. A lot of Disney Princess defenders point out how she wanted to visit the human world that fascinated her before she ‘met’ Eric, and that’s a good point. Her father was initially upset about that, but Ariel falling in love at sixteen with a near-stranger isn’t a big deal. (If we’re being critical, let’s not forget that Eric falls in love with a voice and is determined to marry a girl he’s never seen.) It only ends up being a problem when King Triton destroys her collection and forbids her to go to the surface again.

Her father’s outrage and violent outburst are what cause Ariel to run away and make a dangerous deal with the sea witch. If her father had listened to what she was saying, he could have given her legs – avoiding all dealings with an evil witch bent on controlling the ocean. Instead, King Triton believes he knows what’s best for Ariel and doesn’t listen, just like fathers everywhere. Just like adults everywhere.

Why do we think teenagers are incapable of making informed decisions? Why do we discredit teenagers’ love and other desires? Sure, we all remember embarrassing things from our teenage years, but I remember some things I discovered or first felt as a teenager that still ring true today. I still have friendships I formed as a teenager, and I’m still a feminist – a value I figured out as a teen. I know quite a few couples who married their teenage sweetheart; they have families and are still going strong. Teen mothers and fathers are out there, parenting successfully as full grown adults, still loving their children as much now as they did then.

Teenagers make their own life decisions, whether adults like it or not. Controlling teens’ lives only ends up hurting them in the long run. Inadequate information and support for teen mothers results in a higher rate of poverty for teen mothers and their children. Not to mention all of the detrimental emotional effects of being told they’re terrible students, parents, and people through all of that.

So why don’t we believe teenagers? We should. Listening to and working with teens to come up with answers is always a better solution (have you watched The Fosters yet? You should). In the case of some teen girls, their reproductive health and fertility can be severely damaged by ignoring them. Teenage girls with endometriosis start having pain when they start having periods, but doctors don’t believe they realize how much pain is normal during menstruation, leaving young women undiagnosed for up to ten years. That’s ten years of pain, internal scarring, possible internal bleeding, and the risk of infertility because we don’t listen to teenagers.

I’m not saying teens don’t make some stupid decisions. They do. But there are teens out there doing good and helping make the world a better place, too. And all teens, no matter how irrational they might be acting, or how little you want to believe them – it’s worth listening to them. They can have babies, recognize what is too much pain, and fall deeply in love. We all need to respect that.

Self-Sacrificing Mothers vs. Selfish Pregnancy & Motherhood

“I am a person, and I am not done yet.”

That’s a line from a piece Jessica Valenti wrote a few weeks ago titled “Why is bearing children seen as more important than surviving pregnancy?” Compared to most of the articles she writes, it’s pretty short, but every sentence resonated with every fiber of my being.

The title says it all – there is a very obvious and upsetting trend where women are expected to die so that their children can live. This narrative has been around for generations, interwoven into the fabric of multiple cultures, quite possibly twined into our DNA – evolution making sure our genetic material gets successfully passed on in the world. Only now the narrative has stretched to include women with cancer foregoing treatment during their pregnancy, brain-dead women being kept on life support so their unborn child can grow enough for a healthy delivery, or a mother of three suffering through preeclampsia and dying instead of terminating her pregnancy.

Pregnancy today is included in the daily life of people who are already mothers, bosses, and community members – people who can and do change the landscape of their community. People who are pregnant still carry on with their everyday lives, accommodating their pregnant bodies and very rarely succumbing to them.

I think we can all agree that a doctor asking a pregnant person to avoid drinking caffeine, no heavy lifting, or going on bed rest is understandable, and not in the same league as dying. Basically, the former requests are reasonable accommodations to a pregnancy, but the latter is unacceptable.

The problem, I find, is that so many people think of pregnancy as an easy thing that just happens. It’s accidental or easily planned two years apart, and it’s just a series of doctor’s visits reasonably spaced in the time of nine months. Except pregnancy doesn’t just happen. For a lot of people it’s very difficult to get pregnant, or worse – it’s difficult to bring a child to term, instead experiencing multiple miscarriages. There are thousands of still births every year in the US – the cause of which is still unknown. And although the marvels of in vitro fertilization and fertility clinics are gaining ground, there’s still a huge silence around miscarriage and still births. Here’s a great article on women who have miscarried speaking out: A Lost Possibility: Women on Miscarriage.

‘People do it every day,’ they say. ‘It’s easy,’ they say. The idea is that if you take prenatal vitamins and go to regular checkups you’re good to go. While people do get pregnant and give birth daily, that does not mean it’s easy. In fact, while I could list at least a dozen complications and nuisances a pregnant person endures – that would be dishonest, because there is no rubric for what exactly a pregnancy includes. All pregnancies are not created equally; not even a person having multiple pregnancies with the same partner will have two pregnancies exactly alike. All pregnancies are difficult (or not) in their own distinct ways.

Pretending like a person dying from pregnancy related complications or in childbirth is a completely unheard of worst case scenario makes dying from it seem like the only reasonable option. It makes the situation seem like one in a million, like the universe conspired so that they must die right now, because otherwise it wouldn’t have happened. And as Jessica Valenti points out again in her article, the current cultural climate makes parents feel obligated to give up their life for their unborn child. They don’t want their doctor or their family to think they’re a selfish parent, so they ask if there’s anything that can be done, they ask to postpone treatment for as long as possible, putting themselves at risk. Unnecessary risk.

Because all pregnancy is hard. All pregnancy is technically life threatening. Pretending otherwise gets pregnant people killed.

Pregnant people are people, and they have more left to offer the world, because they are not done yet.

Watch The Fosters

Fall TV’s back! Aren’t you excited? All of the really beautiful shows (Brooklyn Nine-Nine), your problematic faves (The Mindy Project), and your guilty pleasure shows (Faking It), they’re all back! You’ve probably got your schedule down pat, and all of your DVR recording issues resolved.

I’m not here to tell you about a new fall show to watch or not watch (my biggest problematic fave/guilty pleasure show is The Big Bang Theory – who am I to talk?) – unless you’re not watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine, in which case – do. I’d rather tell you about a show that airs during the winter/summer seasons, so you have plenty of time to catch up before it’s new again.

It’s an ABC Family show called The Fosters. You might have heard of it before, because I’m not the first person to spotlight how amazing the storylines and characters are – I can think of at least two articles before me.

Do you want a family drama with a diverse cast? Check. Positive portrayals of LBGT relationships and characters? Check. [Bonus! There is a transgender character actually played by a transmale.] How about teenage characters who do things like fall in love and go to parties, but also struggle with their identity and how to fit in? Check. Good teachers and great parenting? Check!

The great parents are actually the most phenomenal part about The Fosters. Stef and Lena, their parenting, their relationship, and their characters are, in my opinion, the most dynamic parts of the show. They go through their lives together, not always agreeing, but still operating as a united force – deciding to get married, coping with loss, changing jobs, and most remarkably – their parenting choices with their five children.

The family has a very firm open communication and no judgment policy in place, but that doesn’t stop any of the characters from doing some truly outrageous things (for love, for art, for pride, out of confusion, and out of an urge to protect). Just, instead of the situation spiraling out of control, there is always a scene where the truth comes out and tough decisions are made. These are always my favorite scenes, because Stef and Lena care so much about their children doing right and not getting hurt, and they will take on the world to hold people accountable and make the world a more understanding place.

No matter how much I love The Fosters’ realistic storylines about found families (“DNA doesn’t make a family. Love does.”), about medically necessary abortion, or even about sexual assault – the way this family handles those issues is what really keeps drawing me back to this show.

The mid-season break ended on several interesting cliff-hangers, and while I’m severely invested in the fallout from those events – what I’m most looking forward to is how Lena and Stef address these issues.

What other show can you say that about? Not many – if any.

Go watch The Fosters! You’ll be glad you did.

Adoption Discrimination Looming

I’ve always been proud to be a Catholic – and one of the things I appreciate most about the Church and its global reach is its philanthropic roots.

Priests and nuns everywhere help people in need by bringing aid, building hospitals, building schools and teaching. Closer to home – there are Catholic institutions providing the best in higher education and hospitals, and some of the best relief organizations for those in need, whether it’s a shelter, food bank, training programs, or community organizing. I even went to a really great Catholic summer camp and the teen-level National Catholic Youth Conference multiple times.

I’m currently in the process of translating my overwhelming positive feelings about the Church and Natural Family Planning (NFP) into a post, and that there are a large number of Catholic Church run adoption agencies does not escape my notice.

So hearing that there’s a new law-bending bill in the works to make it legal for adoption agencies to openly discriminate against adopting families? I’m livid.

 

I sincerely hope this does not get passed, because it’s plainly seeking to discriminate based on religion, and/or sexuality at the very least. This isn’t what being Catholic and charitable is about – this is using privilege and power structures to hurt those different from you. It does not emulate Jesus’ charity.

The Church isn’t perfect – but it’s better than this.

Book Review: The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennet

I just finished an Advanced Reader’s Copy of The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennet, and it was fantastic.

The book, like the corresponding web series, The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, is a modern Pride & Prejudice story. And even though the web series follows the original novel, and the book follows the web series, the book has its own surprises and unique quirks you won’t find anywhere else.

Lizzie’s journal entries tell all the secrets she doesn’t let the camera see, and it makes all of her real life problems that much more prominent. Instead of focusing on how the modern story-line follows Austen’s plot, readers can get pulled into the reality of it. Lizzie’s a struggling grad student, Jane’s job doesn’t pay her enough, Lydia’s drunken carelessness and boy-crazy attitude can get her into real trouble, and to top it all off, the Bennet family is going bankrupt. And that’s just the Bennet family. Charlotte, Bing, Darcy, and even Gigi all have very real-world, modern day problems they’re working through – which, as it turns out, makes them extremely endearing.

In The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennet, readers experience all of the sweeping romance of Austen’s novel, the brilliant quirky humor of the web series, and a unique sincerity, connecting you to Lizzie so well you can’t help but love her and everyone she loves. And in my case, you yell at your book, “You’re such a dork!” or some other variation about adorable dorks who are in love and in denial. (Which I think is the true essence of the Lizzie/Darcy relationship anyway.)

The best part, for me at least, about getting more detail with the modern story-line and connecting so well to Lizzie, is that it really highlights how feminist the story is. For people paying attention, Jane Austen’s works have always been feminist, speaking strongly about patriarchy and class inequality, and Pride & Prejudice is no exception. The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennet addresses these issues too, but the happy ending isn’t a marriage. Instead, the true closure of the book comes with true accomplishments: there’s harmony between the sisters, Jane gets a great job, Lizzie has several career opportunities, and Lydia is doing well in therapy and has a set career path. It focuses the whole story-arc on three young women who start as near desperate job seekers/college students living with their parents and transform into financially independent women charting their own course in the world.

The Secret Diary of Lizzie Bennet combines the best of Pride & Prejudice and The Lizzie Bennet Diaries, and I would recommend it to anyone. Anyone who watched the web series, anyone who loves Austen, any modern feminist looking for a love story, or anyone looking for a fun read – even if they aren’t acquainted with Austen or the web series. Seriously, everyone should read this book. It’s fun, fresh, energizing, and even when you know what happens, you won’t want to put it down.

Fat-Bias Culture Kills (This is Not a Metaphor)

There’s something important I need to tell you: I’m fat.

I am not using the phrase to tell you I don’t like my body, or that I’m a tad pudgy, or that people around me call me fat as an insult. I have an excess of body fat – it jiggles and flops and gets in the way. According to the BMI scale I am obese, and nearly morbidly obese (but I do know well enough to not put too much stock in BMIs). Not to worry, though – some of that weight is from muscles I have – at work I lift 80 pound bags of concrete and maneuver doors, among other things – and at home I run around, playing with the children. I am a healthy individual.

It was important to tell you that because if I had just left it at “I’m fat” there would be concern or hate pouring in from all sides trying to “help,” telling me that my health is important. If I had just told you “I’m healthy” you would not imagine an overweight person. Because my body is public property.

Recently, Gov. Chris Christie had weight loss surgery, and it made news at several national news organizations. Headlines about how it was a “secret” surgery, and then people speculated that the reason he had the surgery was because he wants to run for president. I am not from New Jersey, so it’s weird to me that this story crossed my path on several platforms. Media speculated it was political, Jon Stewart made allusions to it being for his health (and how that affects his wife and small children), and I’m still sitting here wondering why it has to be one or the other, when it could be both, or neither. But one thing’s for sure – it’s none of our business. No person, whether they’re in the public sphere or not, should ever have to justify a personal health decision, which I think Shakesville explains a lot more eloquently than I do here.

But I’m not a person in the public eye – I barely have the attention of those immediately surrounding me. Still – I know this scrutiny all too well – people who don’t know you judge what you order in a restaurant, whether or not you’re going to the gym, whether you should be sitting inside writing a blog or outside jogging in your free time. And for those people who aren’t satisfied glaring or otherwise silently judging people’s eating habits or lifestyle – it’s okay to speak up now thanks to the White House. First Lady Michelle Obama has created and promoted a campaign against childhood obesity in the name of “being healthy” – to which I would again direct you to Shakesville, who succinctly points out:

Of course I’m meant to understand that obesity is the problem that needs solving. But my fat does not exist separate from my humanity. I am a fat person. Targeting fatness targets the bodies of fat people, as if those bodies are somehow separate from the consciousnesses that inhabit them.

And honestly – my fatness is the only thing people can see about me. I am a single dimensional person with fat rolls and chunky thighs. If anything is wrong in my life – real, imagined, emotional or physical – it’s because I’m overweight. Everyone assumes it and everyone thinks its some kind of miracle when a fat person manages to have something good in their life – a wedding, a baby, or success modeling. It’s so pervasive that for a very long time I believed it too.

In matters of romance (no guy will ever like me because I’m fat!), fashion (nothing looks good on me – it would look good if I wasn’t so fat), friendships (if I wasn’t so weird and too big I’d be more popular), and physical health (I’d feel better/do everything better if I was thinner!) everything wrong is because I’m overweight – which made the problem 100% my fault. Which is not true – my weight defines nothing about me or my relationships with others – and I do not one-hundred percent determine my weight – genetics, personal history, and other medical issues play a factor.

But no one thinks or believes that unless they’re ridiculously conscious about being body positive for all sizes and shapes. Even medical doctors  don’t have “other medical issues” high on their priority list while diagnosing.

My sister died in September. Like me, she was overweight – something we both have struggled with and worked on for a long time. She was diagnosed with leukemia after she underwent surgery to remove severe blood clots in her brain. The blood clots were caused by her leukemia. The blood clots, the surgery, the leukemia killed her. My sister never even knew she had leukemia. The only thing my sister took away from her regular doctor appointments was, ‘You need to/ you should lose weight.’ A disease routinely caught, diagnosed, and treated was somehow overlooked because the only diagnosis her doctor needed was that my sister was fat.

You want to tell me that excessive body fat does cause a myriad of health problems – from type 2 diabetes to heart attacks to joint and muscle problems. But I have to tell you you’re addressing complex, multi-faceted health issues with a solitary concern and it doesn’t add up. And by maintaining this one-step problem, (you’re too fat – lose weight) you’re treating fat individuals as one-dimensional in a way that’s extremely dangerous – emotionally and physically. I am literally terrified of what might happen to me, that I could die not just because of someone’s incompetence – but because of their bias. Because it can kill.

The Choices We Make In Life

Last night I read a story titled “Private Ceremonies”

I read it after @ClinicEscort tweeted “Read this now. ‘I was not my patient; she was not me’—an abortion clinic counselor on her pregnancy.”

As a woman who is pro-choice but also dreams about having kids (by being pregnant) I was definitely intrigued. If I were to work or volunteer at an abortion clinic how would I be treated, or more importantly – how would the people utilizing the clinic’s services react to me? The story is so much more than my two questions – because those things don’t really matter in the larger scheme of things. Because “Staying pregnant is a choice, too.”

Maybe that is, in fact, why this piece moved me so much I’m thinking about it a day later, and probably will be a week later – it resonates with me. Because the piece is written by a counselor, we do get to see several perspectives, we view the women thinking through their decision – the thing a lot of anti-choice people seem to think doesn’t exist. Women basing their decision on both logic and emotion. I love this piece because of that – but to be honest this part (which I believe is where the title comes from) struck me the most:

“We ask your blessing on this woman and her family. And we ask that we may honor her courage in making the best decision she could for herself, her family, and her future. We know this has been a difficult decision for her, and one she made with care.”

Theresa sobbed quietly.

“We ask now for your compassion and understanding. We ask that in your time and hers that she will know your deep and loving peace. Please bless Theresa, her family, her counselor, and this medical staff who witness her journey. In the spirit of love, we return this pregnancy to your care. Amen.”

It resonates with me regarding the miscarriages that surround me in life, for the almost reluctant abortions women across all demographics go through, and mostly because it reminds us that faith is present throughout, and there is no wrong in it.

I want everyone to read this piece. I want everyone I know to read this because it is beautiful and it does exactly what good writing does: gives the reader empathy for those in the story.